Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
