dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
