is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
