How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
