I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
