Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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