I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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