I heard we made out
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
