what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
