my phone needs a breathalizer
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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