i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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