She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
