Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize