The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
