My hand turned me down
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i love accidental penises.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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