how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
