i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
