someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
