i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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