Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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