last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
