Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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