Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
