I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
