The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
