no, he came in my armpit
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
