Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize