P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
