Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
