he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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