i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
