I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
