Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
