i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
