Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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