You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
