i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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