Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Let's get the cat blown out
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
