someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize