burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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