ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
they're like a gay fantastic four
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
