i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
