Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
