you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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