I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
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