A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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