It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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