Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
