I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize