I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
