You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
