dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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