theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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