i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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