I think im going to throw up on grandma
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
