just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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