Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize