my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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