I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
