One girl and one boy is just not enough.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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