Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Sorry about my life...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
