Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
