a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
