I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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