College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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