she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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