After last night, I could never be a politician.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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