I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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