Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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