If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
