he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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